The Agnostic Pentecostal

The following post is a bit long, so I’ve separated it into a series of short meditations.

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I was at the beach for the New Year’s holiday (courtesy of @BaptistWineClub) and took some time to observe the nature around me. Noticing the gulls, pipers, waves, bubbles, drifting sand, seaweed, and other beauties, I was reminded of the importance of not trying too hard. The importance of just relaxing, slowing down, and being present as a part of nature, instead of trying to dominate the world.

I laid on the sand and filmed the birds and other random things because their contented behavior struck a chord deep inside me. As I zoomed into a seagull, for instance: It was just standing there calmly, looking out to sea, waiting for the incoming tide and waves (and tourists) to bring it some snacks. A man-of-war was drifting along while its tentacles captured food. These animals had everything they needed, without trying to be what they were “meant to be.” And I just could not imagine these creatures looking up to the sky in panic, screaming, “What is my purpose!? I just want to be significant!”

They just did what they did. No worrying about if they are good enough. As did the waves, the sand, the northeast wind, the crustaceans and fish, the marsh grasses, and everything else. I was the only creature (except possibly for some other humans there) who was wandering the beach in hard introspection, trying to decipher my Purpose (capital P). And since I see no proof as to how stress makes humans more capable than other animals, surely hand-wringing introspection cannot make me any better than them.

***

I suggest that most of us, especially those of Christian upbringing, are addicted to the idea of Purpose. And because of that addiction, we feel that if we cannot claim a specific, unique “Purpose,” that we are somehow less significant.

It’s like we take roll of all our talents and inclinations, and we feel we must lump them all together under some banner of a Purpose Label. And if for whatever reason we cannot weave a thread of Purpose to connect all the dots, we are considered purposeless or insignificant. ButI think that, while talents and inclinations and whatever other factors that are unique to us obviously influence the way we work in our world, it is presumptive at best to think we have our place in the world figured out just because we can derive a common theme and put a unified practice to those things. In my mind, that is not Purpose. That is just a way to compare ourselves to others, or to compare our selves to an ideal.

So what I realized this past weekend was that Purpose, like Time, is something we humans have invented to make us feel more significant.

And I suggest that there’s something else that could make us aware of our significance: existence itself. If only we could become aware of and appreciate the beauty of our mere existence.

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We feel that if something isn’t defined, then it does not exist, or at least it does not have meaning. And so we must define everything around us…and everything about us.

With the idea of Time, we created a concept to help us define our position in the universe. It helps give us a reference point between us and the unknown. But it is an invention, an artificial definition. And it brings up many difficulties of its own. And it’s no different with Purpose. And because Purpose is even less concrete and more subjective than Time, we’ve ascribed an aura of holiness to it.

It’s sort of like trying to draw a picture when you could just take one. (Nothing wrong with drawing, of course.) Think of it as trying to make something look a certain way, when you could just observe how it is. To appreciate what it is, in and of itself, in the moment, with no sense of obligation to improve it.

***

The manufactured idea of Purpose is like an ever-raising bar that we can never seem to hurdle, no matter how hard we practice. It’s an ideal to which we must conform in order to truly be our Best as a human and fulfill our predetermined Destiny. And if we are not constantly aware of and constantly stating or claiming the very specific direction of our life, we are somehow shirking responsibility to ourselves, our parents, our children, our friends, our pastors, our audience, and especially God.

If for some reason we cannot externally prove our value in terms of certain beliefs or actions, or even if we just cannot seem to live according to the idea of Purpose or Destiny, there’s a definition for it. Some have called this living in rebellion…or sin. Or not living according to The Plan of God. And with that belief comes an entire infrastructure of guilt and obligation that keeps us bound to an empire of fear. And instead of gathering our sense of significance from our own existence, we attach our meaning to that empire. (Or at least I did.)

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As Naked Pastor recently mentioned what he called the “vision industry,” it’s no stretch to say we’ve created entire industries and belief systems (not to mention very successful books) based on the idea of Purpose. Now let me say that there’s a difference between “purpose” (little p), meaning a particular function, and Purpose: The very specific assigned gear which we’re designed to operate as, for the proper functioning of the great master Machine of God-Ordained Life – One little gear that, if not operating according to its exact, predetermined specifications, could cause the downfall of humanity.

***

For most of my life, I’ve felt burdened by comparing my present self to an idea of what I was “supposed to be.” Every time I’d talk of life, it would be in terms of what I’m supposed to do, or what God wants me to be. I always had in the back of my mind at least one scripture: “I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:14). So I was always trudging on toward a mark that I saw as constantly escalating. It was meant to promote adherence to an idea of responsibility to a purpose higher than mere existence. And sure, goals and intentional living are good things. But that’s not my point here.

I now figure that if God wanted me to be something else — something better — God would have made me something else. God would have constructed me with different impulses and talents. And all this is not to detract from the obvious that we all have individual impulses and talents. It’s just that I’ve too often felt that, for example, if I didn’t dedicate myself to fully exploiting a singular talent of mine, I was not living up to some perceived purpose: that I was supposed to “change the world” with that talent.

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Is a bird responsible for changing the world? No? So why am I? Yes, I want to make the world better than what I found it. But should I stress about whether or not I’m filling some specific, ideal role for which I was born?

This expands on the concept of an ideal self. That there is a better me compared to who I am right now. And while that’s not necessarily a bad concept, it can involve a lot of unnecessary stress. And I suggest that this idea breeds feelings of insecurity and insignificance. Especially if we accept suggestions from others that we are not living up to certain standards.

***

This weekend I was gently reminded that I don’t have to make my existence meaningful. It already is.

And in that existence is everything that I need to have significance, whether I perceive that significance or not.

So I’m learning that my mere existence is, in and of itself, enough.

So I can flow with the tides and waves and unforced rhythms of life. I can rest on the assurance that I will survive and flourish – not because I’m proactive, or because I strive to be a leader, or because I repeat to myself that “I’m the best,” or because I‘m involved in self-help groups, or because I’m Christian or American, or because I’m especially “anointed” or “called” – but because my life is what it is supposed to be, regardless of whether I see it that way or not.

And if I do not perceive life as perfect in and of itself, if I do not trust that I am good just as I am, I will constantly be grasping at the wind instead of riding it.

***

And so I say that Purpose is overrated. It’s an invention that distracts us from the reality that we are good enough just as we are.

We are significant because of, not in spite of, our mere existence. Whether we have faith or not. Whether we believe in a higher purpose or not. If we realize that we each have a part just by being here, we can live more naturally. We can live with less artificial stress. We can slow down. We can listen. And we can just take our place in nature, just like all the other creatures. Because we no longer have to “make our place” in the world, we can enjoy it.

At least that’s what I hope for myself in the years to come.